Merry Christmas, World!
I have done more than my share of spreading collapse-related doom and gloom, and to make up for it today I am spreading a bit of cheer, in the form of a pleasant, useful, family-friendly booklet titled
The Pitfalls of English: A Guide and Reference
It is a dictionary of English heterographs, heteronyms and contronyms. (If you don\’t know what they are, read on!) The amazing thing about this book is that up until now it didn\’t exist. But then, as Nassim Taleb pointed out, how many centuries did it take for people to realize that maybe they should put suitcases on casters(US)/castors(UK)?
If you are reading this, then this book is for you. Maybe you want to avoid making a fool of yourself when speaking or writing English. Or maybe you just want to devise devilishly clever puns. Or maybe you need a thoughtful gift for that special person whose sloppy spelling annoys you. In short, it\’s a good book to have, provided you either know or would like to know English. It\’s very reasonably priced, so please buy two, keep one copy as a reference and use the other to slap people with when they make mistakes. Better yet, buy a whole bunch, and give one to every English teacher you know. And if you are an English teacher, have the school buy one for each of your students (at a large quantity discount).
Here is the introduction that lays out the entire rationale for this book:
English is an incredibly handy language. In fact, if you only know one language, but it’s English, you’ll probably manage to get by somehow. It’s almost incomparably easier to learn than Chinese, Arabic or Russian. Even Spanish, which is another incredibly handy language, and also fairly easy to learn, has quite a bit more grammatical machinery to it than English: grammatical gender, inflections and so on.
This is why English is in such widespread use all over the world. If a Chinese, a Russian and an Arab meet and have a conversation, it’s a safe bet that they will be speaking English. There are many reasons why it’s so easy to learn: English grammar is small and simple; English vocabulary is international, much of it borrowed from Latin, Greek, French and other languages; and a bit of English is easy to pick up simply by paying attention, because it has excellent penetration throughout the world via popular music, movies and the Internet.
So far so good. But there is another side to English which makes it rather unnecessarily complicated. While spoken English is easy, written English is so confusing that kids in English-speaking countries spend several more years just learning how to read and write than kids who grow up speaking much more complicated languages, such as the aforementioned Chinese, Russian and Arabic. About half the kids end up having serious difficulties with learning to read and write English.
All the trouble comes from the fact that most English words are still written pretty much the same way they were when they first entered the language—which was often hundreds of years ago, when they sounded very different. For example, when the English first started using the word “nature,” they most likely pronounced it “nah-TOO-reh.” Now they pronounce it “NAY-chuh,” but they still write it as if it were pronounced “nah-TOO-reh.” What this means is that for a great many English words (some 40 percent of them) you have to memorize both how they sound and how they are written, separately. And that, as an English person might put it, is “a bit of a bother.”
And so there is a lot to memorize. But it doesn’t stop there. In addition to lots of obsolete spellings, many English words have more than one meaning. This is quite normal (most languages have such words, called homonyms), but in English they are sometimes written differently depending on what they mean! These homonyms are called heterographs. If you pick the wrong spelling (which is something people do all the time—writing, “break” instead of “brake” or “wave” instead of “waive”) dictionaries are of little help and spellcheckers are of no help at all. This book helps you deal with these bothersome special cases with confidence and ease. Luckily, the number of such words is quite small compared to the number of homographic homonyms—words that are spelled the same regardless of how many different meanings they have.
For example, the word “litter” is written the same whether it refers to
• a basket of puppies or kittens,
• fallen tree leaves,
• a cat’s toilet supplies,
• scattered trash or
• a royal traveling bed.
If “litter” were broken up into, say, “litter,” “lytter,” “littor,” “lyttor” and “littre,” respectively, would this make English a better language and the world a better place? No, not really! If each distinct meaning of each word were given its own unique spelling, then written English would go beyond “a bit of a bother,” and turn into, as an English person might put it, “a bloody nuisance.”
You might think that this would be enough punishment already, but no, apparently not! In addition, English has quite a few words that are pronounced differently based on what they mean even though they are written the same way. Luckily, most of these have some regularities, and the list of truly random, particularly irksome ones, which have to be memorized individually, is quite short. These are called heteronyms, and this book helps you deal with them too.
Are we done yet? Well, almost, but here is where English gets very strange. It has an entire set of words, some of them quite common, which have two contradictory meanings. When you use these words, you have to be extra careful, because you might accidentally express the exact opposite of what you mean. They are called contronyms, and this book helps you handle them as well.
Heterographs, heteronyms and contronyms are the three main categories of English pitfalls, and the purpose of this book is to show you how to avoid all of them.
* * *
So how, you are perhaps wondering by now, did a simple language with a small grammar and a largely international vocabulary develop all these problems? In this author\’s opinion, it is because the English, for hundreds of years now, have been practicing something they call
one-upmanship [wənˈʌpmənʃɪp] noun
the technique or practice of gaining a feeling of superiority over another person
Of course, in order to appear well-bred and civilized, the English have had to practice their one-upmanship in gentlemanly or ladylike ways. And what better way to do that than by inadvertently embarrassing each other? This has motivated them to come up with as many ways of embarrassing each other as possible, and what better way to do that than to introduce lots of little pitfalls into their language?
But this problem is not limited to those whose misfortune it is to be English. Wherever English is used, the impact one has on society depends to a large extent on one’s ability to use it correctly, and so all of us, English or not, must learn to steer clear of its pitfalls.
If English is your native language, your educational achievements and career prospects are to a very large extent determined by your ability to spell and to sound educated. It is an unfortunate fact that many perfectly intelligent kids are held back in life due to just a single shortcoming: their inability to spell. If they were being taught in Chinese, or Russian or Arabic, this tiny handicap would make hardly any difference at all. Many more English-speaking kids are diagnosed with dyslexia than Chinese, Russian or Arabic-speaking kids, and this comes down to just one root cause: English spelling.
If English is your second (or third or fourth) language, then the worst compliment you can receive from a native English speaker is “Your English is very good!” This is the hypocritical cry of victory in the game of English language one-upmanship. What it means is that your English is very bad indeed, and that without major improvement you won’t make it very far educationally, professionally or in polite society. If your English were, in fact, very good, you could be sure that nobody would ever compliment you on it. This is because virtually all native English speakers are insecure in their knowledge of their native tongue, apprehensive that you might one-up them, and so they keep quiet on the subject—unless they think that they can one-up you.
Whether English is your native language or your second (or third or fourth) language, this book will help you avoid its many pitfalls and gain the upper hand in the game of one-upmanship. Its first part is as a guide that will show you where the pitfalls are located—what heterographs, heteronyms and contronyms exist—so that you know what to watch out for. The rest of the book is in the form of a dictionary: whenever you aren’t sure of a word’s spelling, pronunciation or sense, look it up, and if it happens to be a potential pitfall, this book will show you how to avoid it.
* * *
If you want to avoid embarrassment and appear intelligent and well-educated while speaking and writing English, this book is for you.
And if you pride yourself on being intelligent, well-educated and at the peak of your game, you should nevertheless take a peek inside this book. It may pique you to discover just how much you still don’t know.
Lastly, if you are, in fact, intelligent and well-educated, and like making puns, then this book is for you as well, because with its help you’ll be sure not to miss any opportunities to appear very clever.
To give you an idea of what\’s inside, most of the book is in dictionary form, with all the entries in alphabetical order for ease of look-up. Here is a sample:
does: [ˈdoʊz] notes, more than one female deer, [ˈdʌz] 3ps of “to do”
dollop [ˈdɔləp]: large/small amount
done [ˈdʌn]: completed
dun: grey-brown
dos [ˈdoʊz]: more than one note C
does: more than one female deer
doughs: more than one dough
doze: to nap
dos: [ˈdoʊz] notes, [ˈduz] hairdos, …and don\’ts
does: more than one female deer
dos: more than one note C
doughs: more than one dough
doze: to nap
dough [ˈdoʊ]: unbaked bread
do: musical note C
doe: female deer
doughs [ˈdoʊz]: more than one dough
does: more than one female deer
dos: more than one note C
doze: to nap
dove: [ˈdʌv] noun, [ˈdoʊv] verb
downhill [daʊnˈhɪl]: better/worse
doze [ˈdoʊz]: to nap
does: more than one female deer
dos: more than one note C
doughs: more than one dough
And here are some of the words this dictionary contains:
Heterographs:
ad, add
adds, ads, adze
ade, aid, aide
aerie, airy
affect, effect
air, e’er, ere, err, heir
aisle, isle
all, awl
allowed, aloud
altar, alter
ant, aunt
ante, auntie
arc, ark
ascent, assent
ate, eight
auger, augur
aught, ought
aural, oral
auto, Otto
away, aweigh
awed, odd
aweful, awful
axel, axle
aye, eye
bail, bale
bailed, baled
bailey, bailie
bailing, baling
bait, bate
baited, bated
baiting, bating
bald, balled, bawled
ball, bawl
band, banned
bard, barred
bare, bear
bark, barque
Barry, berry
base, bass
based, baste
bases, basses
bask, basque, Basque
bat, batt
baud, bawd, bod
bay, bey
bays, beize, beys
beach, beech
beat, beet
beau, bow
beaut, butte
beer, bier
Bel, bel, bell, belle
berth, birth
besot, besought
better, bettor
bight, bite, byte
billed, build
bit, bitt
blew, blue
bloc, block
blond, blonde
boar, Boer, boor, bore
board, bored
boarder, border
bocks, box
bode, bowed
bold, bowled
bolder, boulder
bole, boll, bowl
boos, booze
born, borne, bourn
borough, burrow
bough, bow
boy, buoy
braid, brayed
braise, brays, braze
brake, break
breach, breech
bread, bred
brewed, brood
brews, bruise
bridal, bridle
broach, brooch
brows, browse
bundt, bunt
burger, burgher
bus, buss
bussed, bust
buy, by, bye
buyer, byre
…
Heteronyms
abstract
abuse
address
advocate
affect
ally
appropriate
articulate
associate
attribute
bass
bow
chamois
close
combine
complex
compound
concrete
conduct
construct
consult
content
contest
contract
contrast
converse
convert
convict
…
Contronyms
adumbrate: disclose/obscure
against: towards/opposing
anarchic: chaotic/self-organized
apology: excuse/defense
aught: all/nothing
awesome: terrible/wonderful
awful: inspiring/revolting
before: in the past/in front of
bill: payment/invoice
blunt: dull/pointed
bolt: secure/flee
boned: with/without bones
bound: moving/restrained
bred: mated/made by mating
buckle: secure/collapse
certain: undefined/definite
check: payment/bill
cleave: adhere/separate
clip: fasten/detach
constrain: force/contain
consult: give/take advice
contingent: certain/uncertain
continue: resume/postpone
cored: with/without a core
critical: essential/disapproving
custom: common/special
…